Flindt on Friday: Fertiliser foresight from formal telephone name

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I’m not saying that my sizzling ideas are on a little bit of a roll, but when the great farmers of Wisbech NFU took my recommendation at their dinner (Ukraine to win Eurovision, UK to do very properly certainly) they are going to be even cheerier than they had been as soon as (or was it “as a result of”?) I’d completed my speech and sat down.

(In case you are in some way unaware of the Eurovision end result – and I discover it exhausting to imagine that some people don’t watch it – that was the ultimate 1-2.)

See additionally: Digestate presents viable different to inorganic fertilisers

So I’ve obtained one other one for you: don’t purchase your fertiliser simply but. That is one heck of a sizzling tip, primarily based – as it’s – on a few telephone calls, and coming simply because the Pre-harvest Fertiliser Panic is in full swing.

(The PFP appears to have taken over from the Orange Wheat Blossom Midge Panic, which has lastly died a loss of life after 30 years. It’s virtually as if we arable farmers want one thing to get in a tizzy about as harvest approaches and we begin shutting gates.)

Liquidity drawback

What had been these telephone calls? The primary was from my liquid fertiliser firm, stating that I hadn’t used all of my unique order; would I be wanting it now?

One of many many joys of liquid fert is that it will get delivered lorry-by-lorry by way of the season, so that you’re not – in idea – tied to your autumn back-of-an-envelope sums.

And my unique order had certainly been trimmed – not as a result of I used to be slicing charge per hectare, however as a result of some winter crops had been changed with spring ones. I defined the state of affairs, and stated no thanks.

“Are you fairly certain, Mr Flindt?” was the reply. This startled me; not the gentle impertinence, however the brand new outbreak of ritual.

This yr they’ve began asking for my Christian title each time I’ve rung them for an additional lorry-load, and I’ve needed to level out that my Christian title is for family and friends (and Farmers Weekly readers, after all, however I didn’t say that).

One order-taker had stated, “Effectively, I’ll must get to know you higher!” which was formally the creepiest factor I’ve heard in 38 years of farming.

This caller was well mannered however insistent. “Maybe you need to take this final load and go away it in your tank prepared for subsequent yr.”

I declined the provide, once more, on the superbly legitimate grounds that I’m uneasy with having a distant and full tank of fert on the farm for six months – together with the hare-coursing season.

The rep appeared unconvinced, however finally accepted that I used to be not taking any extra.

Why was he so eager to shift the ultimate little bit of my order – the previous few “cubes” at scrotum-shrinking costs? And revert to a proper “Mr Flindt”?

May or not it’s that subsequent yr’s costs may not scale the identical dizzy heights?

Russian whispers

The second telephone name was from Agronomist Tod, and he’d heard a hearsay. He’d heard it from a good friend who’d heard it from a good friend. “Tod,” I interrupted, “you’re getting confused; that’s REO Speedwagon.”

No, actually (he went on). The intelligent cash is on a sure Russian to keel over (for one motive or one other) inside months, huge portions of Western help to pour into Ukraine and a extra pro-globalist Kremlin to emerge – and provides of grain and gasoline to return to regular.

Promote grain ahead now, however maintain again on fertiliser. Ker-ching.

“You may recoup the ten grand you misplaced by not accepting that remaining lorry load of ultra-cheap fertiliser this time final yr,” stated Tod, considerably unkindly.

Sure, properly, we’ll maintain quiet about that too. A lot for Charlie’s sizzling ideas.

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